I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
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Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.