8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Okey dokey.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Love is in the air fryer.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.