Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
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E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Doggies just call it style.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game