Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Quadruple digit IQ
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.