Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
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8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Made something I’m not proud of
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
True
Shower sex be like:
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”