ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
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Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
my dog when i have a friend over
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse