ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember![]()
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A wise man once said nothing.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
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The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*