I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
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I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
There is wisdom there.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
In case you needed to hear it:
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”