10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
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Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.