10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
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When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I think I’m gonna be sick
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.