*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
You Might Also Like
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything