Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
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Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too