You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.