Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
You Might Also Like
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
this is what they would have looked like, though
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”