Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Watermelon Boss!
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …