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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover