employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
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Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
If you know, you know
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768