I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Don’t make me out nice you.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William