My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
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Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
reviewed some movies recently
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
These are my emotional support Pringles.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.