Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired