I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Truth
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any last words?
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Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.