I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Worst Native American name ever.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.