you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
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Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch