Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.