My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.