This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
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Stop being racist to kettles.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭