[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[the middle of showering] I need a break
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks