[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.