Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Plumber: I think I found the problem
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.