I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
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Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.