If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
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Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Help Wanted
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.