I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
grotesque if literal: baby food
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times