grotesque if literal: baby food
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“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?