A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
You Might Also Like
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.