After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!