She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood