lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
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Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Google assistant rules
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert