[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
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If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Truth
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile