Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
You Might Also Like
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*