Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
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Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”