I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
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When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt