I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
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[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
my sentiments exactly
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?