Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
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Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”