A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
That’s incredible! 👌
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
My friend is an excellent librarian.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud