Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
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A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
What’s a Messi?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet