“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
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[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators