I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
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Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.