“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.