I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
You Might Also Like
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.