my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers