Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
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I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan