I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
You Might Also Like
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Was it something I said?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.