I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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asking santa clause for nudes
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.