If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
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Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
This week’s mood.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.